A friend and I were getting stoned and watching the TV eye’s broadcast of the Cincinnati Pop Festival the other night, when a great (i.e., useless) idea struck us. Most of the show was boring, concentrating on groups like Grand Funk (endless plodding version of "Inside Looking Out" with lead singer writhing and barking and making up new lyrics like "Oh little honey I need your love so bad... c’mon, give it to me... oh little mama" etc.) and Mountain (Felix Pappalardi spinning off endless dull solos in a flat distillation of the most overworked elements of Cream’s and Creedence’s sounds, while fat buckskinned Leslie West thumped bass and reacted to Pappalardi’s piddle with broad, joyously-agonized mugging, grimacing and grinning and nodding as if each and every note out of Papa’s guitar was just blowing his mind like no music he’d ever heard before). Well, I watched all this monkey business with one eye scanning the bookshelf for a likely volume to pass the time till Iggy hit the tube, and when he did it was fine—not as good as watching Carlos Santana squint and Cunt Joe spell out "FUCK" in Woodstock, mind you, but a fine video spread anyhow—but the part of the show that intrigued us the most came in Alice Cooper’s set (who, however gratingly shrill their amphetamine-queen hysteria, certainly can’t be accused of taking themselves seriously—come the revolution, they don’t get offed with Pappalardi and West and George Harrison and all them other cats), when Alice crouched, threw his billowy cape over his stringy mop like a monk’s cowl, exposing his hormone-plasticized torso, and crept duckwalking like some Chuck Berry from a henbane nightmare to the apron of the stage, where he produced a pocketwatch, set it hypnotically in motion, and started chanting in a calm conversational tone: "Bodies... need... rest..."—repeating it at same tempo till finally some (genuinely wise) wiseacre a few bodies into the crowd piped up, "So what?" Good question. What if somebody said "So what?" when Richie Havens started into his righteous "Freedom" number? Of course, the question is stupid since three dozen devout Richie Havens fans would promptly clobber the boorish loudmouth, if not off him completely (in line with the temper of the times, in which case he’d be post-mortemed a pig). But nobody gives a shit what anybody sez to A.C. least of all A.C. who was probably disappointed at not soliciting more razzberries from the peanut gallery, except that a moment later he got his crowd reaction in spades when some accomplished marksman in the mob lobbed a whole cake (or maybe it was a pie—yeah, let’s say it was a pie just for the sake of the fantasy I’m about to promulgate) which hit him square in the face. So there he was: Alice Cooper, rock star, crouched frontstage in the middle of his act with a faceful of pie and cream with clots dripping from his ears and chin. So what did he do? How did he recoup the sacred time-honored dignity of the performing artist which claims the stage as his magic force field from which to bedazzle and entertain the helpless audience? Well, he pulled a handful of pie gook out of his face and slapped it right back again, smearing it into his pores and eyes and sneaking the odd little fingerlicking taste. Again and again he repeated this gesture, smearing it in good. The audience said not another word.
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