A friend sent me this this morning.
"Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?"
A friend sent me this this morning.
"Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train?"
"What's the difference between a violin and an upright bass?" - "Upright bass burns longer!"
"The world will soon be right again,
Innocence and undying love will reign." - Transatlantic
Excellent!!!
Promoter to singer "How many musicians in your band?"
Singer "Two - a guitarist and a keyboard player"
Promoter "So with you, that's 3 in the band in total?"
Singer "No, 5, we've got a drummer and a bass player as well"
Q: how many progsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: just one. but it takes him 20 minutes.
PS: 30 minutes in a live setting. to incorporate the drum solo.
How do you get a guitarist to play slow?
Put tablatures in front of his eyes.
my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicts to complete nutcases.
On an episode of Two And A Half Men, Berta's granddaughter Prudence comes to visit. If you recall, in the original premise of the show, Charlie Sheen's character was a jingle writer, and hence was frequently seen at the piano. The exchange goes something likes this:
Prudence: Are you a musician?
Charlie: (playing chords on piano) Yes, you could say that.
Prudence: I once dated a musician. He was a bass player. We were in love, he even wrote a song for me. It was called Dear Prudence.
Charlie: Yeah, that sounds like something a bass player would do.
A few years back, Billy Sheehan, Jeff Berlin and Stu Hamm toured together, under the name BX3. There was a bit in the show where Jeff and Stu were trading jokes bass player jokes back and forth. Jeff says "What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road and a dead bass player in the middle of the road". I yell out, "THE CHICKEN WAS PROBABLY ON HIS WAY TO A GIG!". Jeff says "Exactly right! Get that man a drink!"
Stu answered back with "What's the difference between a bass player and a large pepperoni pizza?". Answer: The pizza can feed a family of five.
Of course, most of the jokes you can insert any instrument you want, except this one:
Q: How do I get a guitarist to stop playing?
A: Stick some sheet music in front of him!
Q: What's the one thing never asked of a trombone player?
A: Excuse me, sir, could you please move your Mercedes?
Q: What do you when a drummer rings your doorbell?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless
I think it was Jeff Berlin who commented once about his ill advised decision to chew gum onstage, which caused him to turn the beat around about 8 times during the first four bars of the first song.
Berlin used to write a column for guitar player and he had a lot of great jokes. He did one whole piece about touring with Holdsworth circa 1983. Let's just say it was very Spinal Tap. He said a lot of the accommodations looked like the barracks in Stalag 17. At one motel, they spotted a guy who looked like Charles Manson. I think Jeff said one night the only reason he didn't sleep in the car was because Allan had beaten him to it. Then there was the directions which were frequently confusing. This was just after The Who's "Farewell" Tour, so Jeff quips, "Maybe there's a reason why The Who stopped touring: they got tired of looking for the Holiday Inn!".
Rather brutal one, but still hilarious:
- Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades
"The world will soon be right again,
Innocence and undying love will reign." - Transatlantic
Originally Posted by Azol
That one exists about majorettes, but we're tallking in terms of a few neurones
my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from drug-addicts to complete nutcases.
Variation on the theme:
What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
The drummer
Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally
Thast reminds me of a British comedy skit where you see British guitar players (One was David Gilmour) and two bass players (one was Lemmy) each playing these fantastic solos in a court room where a song book writer is being sued over the lack of tabs, I think, until they don't have the tabs and have to read the music...
Bass player joke from Metalocalypse, after two girls realize that they are talking to Murderface, the bassist:
"Shouldn't you be putting water bottles on the stage?"
Last edited by Rune Blackwings; 09-11-2013 at 10:04 AM. Reason: because I don't feel like making two posts, plus I want to see if people actually read this
"Alienated-so alien I go!"
Q) What does a Nude-Bar Dancer do with her asshole before she goes to work?
A) Drops him off at band practice
A guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums? Don't they ever stop?"
The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. If drums stop, bass solo begins."
For the ladies out there, what is the difference between a dead dog and a drummer?
A: the dog is stiffer, smells better, and doesn't steal your purse in the morning.
Then there's the tragic story about the accordion player who goes into a bar. After he's had a couple of drinks he realizes that he's left his prize accordion in his car and forgot to lock the doors. He rushes out to his car in a panic, looks in the back seat--but it's too late: Somebody left him another accordion.
Two musicians die in an auto accident. One arrives at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, here's your harp." The other arrives at the gates of Hell, where Beezebub greets him: "Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion."
Son: "Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
Mother: "Now, son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't be both."
And if there were a god, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence - Russell
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
And if there were a god, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence - Russell
I think any gigging musician will identify with this:
St. Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those Pearly Gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
The second man says, "I was a school teacher."
St. Peter: "Go right through those Pearly Gates. Next! How about you? What did you do on Earth?"
The third man: "I was a musician."
St. Peter: "Oh, okay then. You wanna go around the side of the building, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the van?
It took 2 hours to get the drummer out.
I heard this one -
St peter asks the first person in line, "What did you do on Earth?". The man answers, "I made $500,000 a year. I was a lawyer and donated much of my time to pro bono work for the poor". St Peter says, "OK, go on through".
He asks the next person, "What did you do with your time on Earth?". The woman answers, "I made $500,000 a year. I was a surgeon and donated much of my time to performing life saving surgeries in 3rd world countries". St Peter says, "OK, you can enter".
The 3rd person steps up and St Peter asks, "What did you do with your time on Earth?". The man answers, "I made $7,000 a year. I....". St Peter interrupts, "oh yeah? What instrument did you play?".
And if there were a god, I think it very unlikely that he would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence - Russell
The bass player who locked his keys in his car called AAA.
AAA: "AAA, how may I help you?"
Bassplayer: "I locked my keys in the car, can you help me?"
AAA: "Certainly, we have a van in your area and should be there within a half hour."
Bassplayer: "Oooo, any chance you could make it sooner? It's starting to rain and I left the top down."
These bass players and drummers are a lot like blondes.
I know some vehicle terminology is somewhat different in the US, but a convertible van? huh?
Read it again.
Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally
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