Prog Snobs Please Post Here...

[3LockBox]

Q: How many music hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?





A: It's an obscure number... I doubt anyone here has heard of it

[Scrotum Scissor]

Or, alternatively;


Q: How many proggers does it take to expose no understanding of hipsterdom?


A: About as many as it does to expose a general understanding of the word "obscure".

[AncientChord]

I can imagine the following comments being made at a Prog Snob convention.

Genesis died after Peter Gabriel left
Trevor Rabin single handedly destroyed YES
Marillion ceased to exist after FISH left.
Kansas and Styx were NEVER prog, not once, ever.
ELP had to turn in their Prog Rock card after releasing Love Beach and oh, that horrible cover.
Asia was never prog, but prog pop, which means they never did anything worth listening to
Phil Collins destroyed Genesis, and following his solo success were rightly referred to as, Genesis, Phil Collin's band.
Any song written in 4/4 and under 7 minutes is not prog.

I like this idea, brings out the inner prog snob in me.

People that don't like prog know nothing about music

Rap should be called Crap!

Rap is nothing but cleaver rhymes, that are usually demeaning to women or incite violence and/or both, set to primitive electronic drum beats, it is not music.

Pop music draws those that like it because they aren't into the simplistic music. The sound for them becomes a sensual gateway for thoughts only leading to their libido.

Hey! Ian Anderson's name really IS Jethro Tull

No Anderson, No YES.

Genesis didn't die after Gabriel left, that happened when Steve Hackett left.


I really could go on and on, but that's enough. I sure felt good!

[Trane]

Q: How many music hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: It's an obscure number... I doubt anyone here has heard of it

Q - How many prog ears forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - 176

1 to change the bulb, and post a message saying that the lightbulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs, and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs

4 to point out the spelling/grammatical errors in the posts about changing lightbulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct the spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it’s "lightbulb" or "light bulb", and another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal retentive

1 to PM the flamers reminding them of the "PE civility issues"

3 to post messages reminding the flamers of the "civility issues"

3 to write to the site administrators about the lightbulb discussions, and the inappropriateness to this forum, as was done with re-glazing a bath tub topic

6 to point out that we all use lightbulbs, and therefore they are a valid topic for discussion

7 to ask why this thread about lightbulbs is not in the "discussions not related to music section"

3 to post huge pictures of lightbulbs

1 to post a picture of Steve Wilson changing a lightbulb

1 to set up a poll asking what type of light bulb is best, plus 1 to set up a poll asking which method of changing lightbulbs is superior

5 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs, and definitive lists af all lightbulbs ever made

3 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and do not work

2 to post to say that the URLs work for them OK

3 to post to say the URLs are now working OK

1 to point out that the FAQ’s on lightbulb.com has the definitive information on changing lightbulbs

2 to ask what "FAQ" stands for

10 to ask why several other types of light bulbs were not included in the poll

7 to point out that some of the lightbulbs listed are not in their opinion lightbulbs.

4 to point out that lightbulbs have already been discussed in another thread

5 to suggest that some of the lightbulbs in the poll are neo-lightbulbs

1 to point out that neo-lightbulbs are derivative, and do not filter the design influences of original lightbulbs well enough

2 to come up with obscure references to lightbulbs from the late 60’s, early 70’s, the "golden age" of lightbulbs

4 to point out that European light bulbs are best

4 to object to the constant bashing of American lightbulbs

2 to apologise for bashing American lightbulbs, and plead that it was not their intention

2 to say they don’t like the way the thread is going, and that they are leaving the forum forever

the same 2 people to post again 2 days later apparently not having left after all

1 to apologise for having posted while drunk, and just read what they said

6 to have a conversation of their own within the thread unrelated to the topic.

2 to claim that Frank Zappa was the first prog rocker to change a lightbulb.

8 to assert that he was not, and to name others prog rockers who did so before him

10 to argue that those others named are not prog rockers and therefore do not count.

2 to say that Steve F changes lightbulbs better than anyone else

10 to post messages agreeing with previous posts by writing "me too"

1 to post a message saying "Me three" with a laughing emoticon

3 to post messages with only laughing emoticons in response

1 to quote in full 20 other previous posts in one message, and add comments to each one

2 to quote the entire previous post, and add further comments to each line detailing why they completely disagree

and finally

1 to start a new thread on ELO’s lightbulbs which has nothing to do with prog......or lighbulbs!

[Frankh]

💈

[Zappathustra]

And Trane...
1 to argue that analog lightbulbs are the only true lightbulbs.

[jake]

..and one - I won't mention his name - to post 3 YouTube videos of obscure Balkan proto-prog bands who have recorded with light bulbs in the studio.

[Rarebird]

Q - How many prog ears forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - 176

1 to change the bulb, and post a message saying that the lightbulb has been changed
....

and finally

1 to start a new thread on ELO’s lightbulbs which has nothing to do with prog......or lighbulbs!

LOL

��

LOL

And Trane...
1 to argue that analog lightbulbs are the only true lightbulbs.

LOL

..and one - I won't mention his name - to post 3 YouTube videos of obscure Balkan proto-prog bands who have recorded with light bulbs in the studio.

LOL

[Sturgeon's Lawyer]

...and one to point out that those numbers add up to 169.

[Trane]

When progheads sneer at and snob the blues:


A YOUNG PERSON’S GUIDE TO THE BLUES

How To Sing The Blues in 20 points:

By Lame Mango Washington but attributed Memphis Earlane Gray with the help of Uncle Joe Plunkett.

Revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr Boogie Joe Reagan

Final adaptation and translation by Sean “Last" Trane Jefferson (yours truly)

NB: To be read with a heavy southern drawl accent

1. Most Blues start with Woke Up This Morning, but no guarantee that you will wake up the following one. Generally in an empty bed (except for the bedbugs) in a cheap motel.

2. “I Got A Good Woman” ain’t no good way to start a blues song unless something nasty happens in the next line: “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town”

3. The Blues ain’t bout choice >> you stuck in a ditch >> than you stuck in a ditch!! Ain’t no way out

4. The Blues is simple: After you got the first line right, repeat it and add Baby! Then find something rhyming: “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town” “Got teeth like Maggie Tatcher and weighs 500 pound”

5. Blues cars: Broken down Chevys, Cadillacs, stinky trucks. Can’t have the blues while driving a Range Rover SUV or a Porsche (not enough space to screw the hookers in the backseat, since there ain’t any). Usual Blues transportation means for blues subjects singers are Southbound trains or overcrowded Greyhound buses. Jet aircrafts ain’t even in the runnin’. Walkin’ towards that famous Robert Johnson crossroad is the most credible possibility

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues: they ain’t fixin’ to die (yet, anyway). Adults can sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you shot a man in Memphis, Tennessee.

7. Blues can take you places in NYC, but not Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Africa is possible, but you’d better find solid reasons/roots. Hard times in Tucson Arizona or Rome, Italy is just depression. Chicago, St Louis and Memphis!! Them the place to be havin’ the blues. Burnin’ French suburbs have been accepted of late. Jo’burg has been accepted (since the end of apartheid) for over a decade. But you can’t be havin’ them blues in a place that don’t get no rain: Salt Lake City and Malaga are out of blues territory. Wales is generally considered the best place on this side of the pond to be havin’ them blues.

8. A man with male-pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A bald woman is (‘less they are named Jean and Friede). Broken legs during skiing ain’t the blues, but having you leg chewed away cuz an hungry gator was in the ‘hood, can be the blues.

9. Ya can’t have the blues in an office or in a shopping mall >> not credible and the lighting is wrong. Blues is for soaken-wet parkin’ lots or sitting by the garbage dump.

10. Good places for the blues: Highway, Jailhouse, empty bed and bottom of a bourbon bottle!! Wrong places for the blues: Ashrams, art gallery openings, Ivy League institutions and golf courses.

11. Dressing codes: No-one will believe you have the blues in a suit, ‘less you are ethnic, raggedy old , and you slept in it for the last week

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
- Yes, if: a) you’re older than dirt b) you’re blind or another such handicap c) you shot a man in Memphis d) ain’t no satifyin’ ya.
- No, if a) You got a full set of teeth b) Once blind, but no more c) the man you shot in Memphis lived d) you have retirement plan or a trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. Just bad luck Tiger Woods can’t sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could, but he’s too rich. Ugly white people also gotta right to sing them blues.

14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, tis the blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages: wine (the screw-caps only), Whiskey or Bourbon (moonshine is allowed), Muddy Water, black coffee. Not allowed for Blues: Mixed long drinks or cocktails, Kosher wine, Snapple, schnaps or sparkling water

15. If the death occurs in a cheap bug-filled motel/hotel or in a chicken shack, it can be a Blues death. Stabbed by a jealous lover is allowed. So is the lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely in a broken down truck. Cannot be dying a blues death during a tennis match (even by the hubby of the jealous lover) or cosmetic surgery (even corrective)

16. Some Blues name for women: Saddie, Big Moma, Bessie or Billie, Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues name for men: Ugly Joe, Willie, Big Willie, Long Willie, Fat Willie, Small Willie, Dirty Willie, Dwarf Willie

18. Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Auburn, Rainbow cannot sing the blues, no matter how many sheriffs they shot in Memphis.

19. Make your own blues name (starter kit) a) physical disability (blind, deaf, mute, cripple lame, small genitals) b) first name (see above) plus a fruit or plant (cactus, kiwi, lime, lemon etc) c) Last name of an ex-president - dead preferably, but please feel free to eliminate one Dubya (Jefferson, Lyndon, Fillmore, Washington, Reagan or best yet: Nixon >> can be mistaken for Dixon). Example : Little Dick Tom Cactus Dubya, Witchy Bertha McGee or Cripple John Kiwi Kennedy (well maybe avoid kiwi ;-)

20. I don’t care how miserable or tragic your life is: you own a computer, you can’t sing the blues >> you best destroy it and stop wasting time reading stupid threads on a so-called “progressive” site.

[miamiscot]

[Halmyre]

When progheads sneer at and snob the blues:


A YOUNG PERSON’S GUIDE TO THE BLUES

How To Sing The Blues in 20 points:

By Lame Mango Washington but attributed Memphis Earlane Gray with the help of Uncle Joe Plunkett.

Revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr Boogie Joe Reagan

Final adaptation and translation by Sean “Last" Trane Jefferson (yours truly)

NB: To be read with a heavy southern drawl accent

1. Most Blues start with Woke Up This Morning, but no guarantee that you will wake up the following one. Generally in an empty bed (except for the bedbugs) in a cheap motel.

2. “I Got A Good Woman” ain’t no good way to start a blues song unless something nasty happens in the next line: “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town”

3. The Blues ain’t bout choice >> you stuck in a ditch >> than you stuck in a ditch!! Ain’t no way out

4. The Blues is simple: After you got the first line right, repeat it and add Baby! Then find something rhyming: “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town” “Got teeth like Maggie Tatcher and weighs 500 pound”

5. Blues cars: Broken down Chevys, Cadillacs, stinky trucks. Can’t have the blues while driving a Range Rover SUV or a Porsche (not enough space to screw the hookers in the backseat, since there ain’t any). Usual Blues transportation means for blues subjects singers are Southbound trains or overcrowded Greyhound buses. Jet aircrafts ain’t even in the runnin’. Walkin’ towards that famous Robert Johnson crossroad is the most credible possibility

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues: they ain’t fixin’ to die (yet, anyway). Adults can sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the 'lectric chair if you shot a man in Memphis, Tennessee.

7. Blues can take you places in NYC, but not Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Africa is possible, but you’d better find solid reasons/roots. Hard times in Tucson Arizona or Rome, Italy is just depression. Chicago, St Louis and Memphis!! Them the place to be havin’ the blues. Burnin’ French suburbs have been accepted of late. Jo’burg has been accepted (since the end of apartheid) for over a decade. But you can’t be havin’ them blues in a place that don’t get no rain: Salt Lake City and Malaga are out of blues territory. Wales is generally considered the best place on this side of the pond to be havin’ them blues.

8. A man with male-pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A bald woman is (‘less they are named Jean and Friede). Broken legs during skiing ain’t the blues, but having you leg chewed away cuz an hungry gator was in the ‘hood, can be the blues.

9. Ya can’t have the blues in an office or in a shopping mall >> not credible and the lighting is wrong. Blues is for soaken-wet parkin’ lots or sitting by the garbage dump.

10. Good places for the blues: Highway, Jailhouse, empty bed and bottom of a bourbon bottle!! Wrong places for the blues: Ashrams, art gallery openings, Ivy League institutions and golf courses.

11. Dressing codes: No-one will believe you have the blues in a suit, ‘less you are ethnic, raggedy old , and you slept in it for the last week

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
- Yes, if: a) you’re older than dirt b) you’re blind or another such handicap c) you shot a man in Memphis d) ain’t no satifyin’ ya.
- No, if a) You got a full set of teeth b) Once blind, but no more c) the man you shot in Memphis lived d) you have retirement plan or a trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. Just bad luck Tiger Woods can’t sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could, but he’s too rich. Ugly white people also gotta right to sing them blues.

14. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, tis the blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages: wine (the screw-caps only), Whiskey or Bourbon (moonshine is allowed), Muddy Water, black coffee. Not allowed for Blues: Mixed long drinks or cocktails, Kosher wine, Snapple, schnaps or sparkling water

15. If the death occurs in a cheap bug-filled motel/hotel or in a chicken shack, it can be a Blues death. Stabbed by a jealous lover is allowed. So is the lectric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely in a broken down truck. Cannot be dying a blues death during a tennis match (even by the hubby of the jealous lover) or cosmetic surgery (even corrective)

16. Some Blues name for women: Saddie, Big Moma, Bessie or Billie, Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues name for men: Ugly Joe, Willie, Big Willie, Long Willie, Fat Willie, Small Willie, Dirty Willie, Dwarf Willie

18. Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Auburn, Rainbow cannot sing the blues, no matter how many sheriffs they shot in Memphis.

19. Make your own blues name (starter kit) a) physical disability (blind, deaf, mute, cripple lame, small genitals) b) first name (see above) plus a fruit or plant (cactus, kiwi, lime, lemon etc) c) Last name of an ex-president - dead preferably, but please feel free to eliminate one Dubya (Jefferson, Lyndon, Fillmore, Washington, Reagan or best yet: Nixon >> can be mistaken for Dixon). Example : Little Dick Tom Cactus Dubya, Witchy Bertha McGee or Cripple John Kiwi Kennedy (well maybe avoid kiwi ;-)

20. I don’t care how miserable or tragic your life is: you own a computer, you can’t sing the blues >> you best destroy it and stop wasting time reading stupid threads on a so-called “progressive” site.

Very good.

[Sturgeon's Lawyer]

What a perfect example of pointlessly reposting an entire post. Oy.

[Halmyre]

What a perfect example of pointlessly reposting an entire post. Oy.

I thought it worth repeating. This is a prog forum after all.

[grego]

Cute, but no. What Anderson did say regarding Thick as a Brick was (actual quote!): “It was a spoof of what was happening in the world, with particularly British bands like Yes, ELP and Genesis and so on,” Anderson says. Describing his approach as “competitive,” he adds, “I was going to out-prog them, really."

I would say he did indeed "out-prog" them.

No he did not.

[Trane]

Young Man's Guide to Metal Music.

Now that Lordi has won Eurovision (a few years back), I am sure most of your family members have swamped you with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since we are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?

So, here goes the differences:

HEAVY METAL:
The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess

SPEED METAL
Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess

HARD ROCK
Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon

BLACK METAL
Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan

SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL
Ditto but with more finesse

HAIR METAL
Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon

FOLK METAL
Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids

INDUS METAL
Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle’s security

DEATH METAL
Knight kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess

BRUTAL DEATH METAL
Knight kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess

DOOM METAL
Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions

ALTERNATIVE METAL
Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves.

VIKING METAL
Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer

GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER
Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess’s dress and throws her away in the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her

PROGMETAL
Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight

ATHMOSPHERIC METAL
Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight.

GLAM METAL
Knights comes in dressed up like a faggot and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink

GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves

GORE METAL
Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts, spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess

NEO METAL
Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes wank off in the forest

TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style)
Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon

TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style)
Knight comes in, starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly

Pagan Metal
Knight prays to Thor puts on horned helmet and watches Thor shock the dragon and princess with a lighting bolt.

Nu Metal
Blows enough pot smoke out the dragon he loses his fire blowing skills and runs away, then rudely rapes princess.

Metalcore
Tries to copy every other knights style, but fails miserably leaving the princess to the dragon and runs away in his tight pants.

AVANT-METAL
knight rides in to heavy music, but instead of slaying the dragon, attempts to confuse it with a clarinet solo. Princess becomes puzzled and bored, wanders off.

EMO-METAL
Knight gets eaten by dragon, but not before whining about it and blaming the whole thing on his parents.

METALCORE/EMOCORE
Knight whines and screams about the Princess leaving him for a rich boy. Dragon laughs at Knight for being a watered-down, eye-shadow-wearing wannabe

SLUDGE METAL
Knight fights the dragon in a sticky swamp, the battle moves slower but is just as powerful. Knight kills the princes slowly later on.

Technical Metal
Knight slays dragon using 21 inch b*****d sword delivering 17 precise chops, slashing his bladder, left kidney, removing his abdomen, chopping up his small intestine and performing lobotomy in precisely 29 seconds, left handed. The mind of the princes cannot digest that much sheer perfection in half a minute. Her brain explodes in a shroud of white light.

[NogbadTheBad]

Fantastic