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Thread: Boomers Cleaning Up After Parents Thread - "But Someone Could Use That!"

  1. #276
    Occipital Provocatee Plasmatopia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerjo View Post
    Ye gods, that's terrible. After the news of Kobe Bryant broke the media were talking about his wife losing her husband. I don't know the first thing about her but my guess is she could go on without Kobe. It's the daughter that's devastating. Fuck, losing your spouse is one thing but losing a child or grandchild, that's the one that will do you in.
    And she doesn't have her husband to lean on. That's gotta be hard.

    On the subject of "I thought I'd still have time to hang out with *insert loved one's name here*": My parents are still around, but lately my mother has been giving everyone fits with her behavior. She caused a huge emotional scene at Christmas dinner that annoyed the hell out of everyone.

    I visited a few days ago and my father could barely get a word in edgewise. I like to hear his take on things (we're often talking politics and they watch a lot of news). Often he'll start to say something and my mother cuts him off. By the time he has a chance to speak again he has a hard time to remember his point.

    I miss the days when he was more active and we'd be working some project together or we'd be out in the woods and we could have less frenetic and disjointed conversations. Lately he seems worn down and exhausted from having to deal with my mother perhaps even to the point where he suffering a bit of mental decline.
    Just sitting at home rocking back and forth and jealously caressing my invisible collection of theoretical assets.

  2. #277
    Member rcarlberg's Avatar
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    Sounds like your mom is too. One of the most difficult discussions a child can have is convincing parents that they need some kind of assisted living arrangement.

  3. #278
    Occipital Provocatee Plasmatopia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rcarlberg View Post
    Sounds like your mom is too. One of the most difficult discussions a child can have is convincing parents that they need some kind of assisted living arrangement.
    With my mom it's harder to notice because she's been rather wacky for so long. But yes, she's getting worse. She had a lot of bad experiences early in life that seem to be the cause of her behavior. She has impulses that claw their way out of her subconscious that are sort of emotionally destructive to family dynamics. Most outside observers wouldn't necessarily notice though. Overall my parents are still quite capable of taking care of themselves, at least for the time being.
    Just sitting at home rocking back and forth and jealously caressing my invisible collection of theoretical assets.

  4. #279
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheLoony View Post
    Progatron, whatever you choose to do is gonna suck so I guess use your own judgement. I'm a big help, I know.
    Well, you're right, and nobody really can help anyway with a situation like this. My brother and I have decided to wait until tomorrow to tell him, so that he at least does not have to hear the news on his birthday. I hate pretending that everything is okay in the meantime, and when I call him today, I'm really hoping he doesn't ask me if I got my aunt's phone number for him. He has seen so many friends, family, former work associates etc. pass away, I know he is wondering why he is still here. He no longer has any interests. When I go to see him, I find him just laying in his bed, wide awake, doing nothing - every single time. Not even watching TV. He doesn't read, he never uses his computer, he lost all interest in sports and movies a while back. I worry about him constantly, and I find myself with tremendous feelings of guilt when I look to the future and realize that there will be a sense of relief when he's gone. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want his existence to be... this, either.

    Quote Originally Posted by mozo-pg View Post
    My parents died 3 days apart. When my Mom died (they were both very sick in a nursing home), I had to break the news to my Dad. He's just said, "I thought she turned the corner".
    Damn. That's heartbreaking.

    Life, huh? Most of us either die young, or we get old and have to deal with pain, illness and sadness. Not much of a choice.
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  5. #280
    Member Vic2012's Avatar
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    I had to tell mother a few years ago that her first born passed away. I avoided telling her for a few weeks. For months she never asked about him. She was suffering from dementia and whatnot, living in assisted care home, etc. One day she asked about him and I couldn't lie to her. I broke down sobbing. She couldn't cry or react because of the dementia. A month later she passed away.

    I still haven't been able to have a good cry over her death, but at least she's resting in peace.

  6. #281
    Today is a bad day. My dad was talking incoherently, so I considered a stroke and called an ambulance. Nothing to be seen on brain scans and though sometimes he talks normal for a moment, the incoherence takes over.
    They kept my dad in the hospital for more testing.

  7. #282
    Member moecurlythanu's Avatar
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    Best wishes, Renate. These are trying times for many of us.

  8. #283
    In March of 2014 my wife and I decided to move my mother in with us, there was no discussion. We emptied my 14'cube van and loaded up her bedroom and moved it into a room we had ready and she never went back to the house. Once my oldest daughter's lease ran out we moved her into her house.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  9. #284
    Quote Originally Posted by moecurlythanu View Post
    Best wishes, Renate. These are trying times for many of us.
    The worst part today was not being able to talk with my dad. I hope things will turn for the better. At this moment everything is dark. Tomorrow I hope to get some positive news.

  10. #285
    Quote Originally Posted by Rarebird View Post
    The worst part today was not being able to talk with my dad. I hope things will turn for the better. At this moment everything is dark. Tomorrow I hope to get some positive news.
    That happened to my neighbor's father last year. He had a stroke last year and is back to normal but can't communicate.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  11. #286
    Member Vic2012's Avatar
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    All the best Renate.

  12. #287
    Banned Dave (in MA)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rarebird View Post
    Today is a bad day. My dad was talking incoherently, so I considered a stroke and called an ambulance. Nothing to be seen on brain scans and though sometimes he talks normal for a moment, the incoherence takes over.
    They kept my dad in the hospital for more testing.
    Hoping for the best. Something like that happened to my dad once, and they decided it was transient amnesia, and he was back to normal in about a day.

  13. #288
    Occipital Provocatee Plasmatopia's Avatar
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    Sad stories here. Hope all turns out well for everyone.
    Just sitting at home rocking back and forth and jealously caressing my invisible collection of theoretical assets.

  14. #289
    Wow, this thread has turned depressing.

    Renate, I'm praying for your father. (If you don't like prayer think of it as "good vibes.")
    Maka ki ecela tehani yanke lo!

  15. #290
    Man of repute progmatist's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mozo-pg View Post
    That's and extremely hard blow for your Dad. So much loss. My parents died 3 days apart. When my Mom died (they were both very sick in a nursing home), I had to break the news to my Dad. He's just said, "I thought she turned the corner". I hated doing that but it was necessary. With my Mom gone, I think he willed himself to die. I also always reminder my Dad joking, sort of, "I'm never going to a nursing home where they'll wipe my ass". I had to reflect on that at the time. they were so fiercely independent and it was so hard to see them so weak. My oldest brother, who was developmental disability, choked on a piece of chicken and died 2 years ago. That was really sad/painful. Thanks be that I didn't have to pass the news to my parents who were highly engaged and supportive in my brother's life. I got to spent 4 days by his side in the hospital before he passed. It still makes me cry.
    I firmly believe dying of a broken heart is quite real. President George H. W. Bush died about 6 months after Barbara. Debbie Reynolds died the day after Carrie Fisher.
    "Well my son, life is like a beanstalk, isn't it?"--Dalai Lama

  16. #291
    Member since March 2004 mozo-pg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by progmatist View Post
    I firmly believe dying of a broken heart is quite real. President George H. W. Bush died about 6 months after Barbara. Debbie Reynolds died the day after Carrie Fisher.
    I definitely agree, learned from experience versus scientific facts.
    What can this strange device be? When I touch it, it brings forth a sound.

  17. #292
    Member rcarlberg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by progmatist View Post
    I firmly believe dying of a broken heart is quite real. President George H. W. Bush died about 6 months after Barbara. Debbie Reynolds died the day after Carrie Fisher.
    When you reach a certain age, you have to struggle each day to stay alive.

    It's pretty easy to give up the struggle when you no longer have any reasons to continue. My dad died two weeks after he finished settling my mom's estate. And he waited two weeks because I was out of the country -- he waited until he could say goodbye to me and then died the next morning.

  18. #293
    It seems my dad has had a cerebral infarction. I feel rather depressed, every time I see him. I see some improvements, but it is still not much. He is far from the man he was, someone I could have a conversation with.
    I visit him each day and often reach the point of wanting to cry and not wanting to live. If my dad start talking about dieing, I really want to cry. Even writing about it makes me feel bad.
    Food doesn't taste me. It takes a lor of effort to eat something. My stomach feels bad.
    On Monday there is some talk with a social worker.

    Looked for some information about cerebral infarction and it can take several months to improve. After 6 months there will not be much improvement.

  19. #294
    Member rcarlberg's Avatar
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    Tough times, for sure. Hang in there. Things will get better.

  20. #295
    I hope so. Not being able to eat properly is getting on my nerves. And it's no fun almost bursting to tears if I visit my dad in the hospital. He needs support and not being comforting me.

  21. #296
    Occipital Provocatee Plasmatopia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rarebird View Post
    I hope so. Not being able to eat properly is getting on my nerves. And it's no fun almost bursting to tears if I visit my dad in the hospital. He needs support and not being comforting me.
    I understand that feeling. When I found out my niece had cancer a couple years ago I couldn't face her. I was filled with sadness and anxiety at the thought of seeing her in person. And, like you, I wanted to be a source of strength and not of defeat and sadness. I eventually got over that, but it took a while. Her last couple scans show her to be cancer-free and I've grown closer to her since then as well, which has been a gift.

    I hope you soon find the strength you want and need.
    Just sitting at home rocking back and forth and jealously caressing my invisible collection of theoretical assets.

  22. #297
    Member rcarlberg's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rarebird View Post
    it's no fun almost bursting to tears if I visit my dad in the hospital. He needs support and not being comforting me.
    Oddly enough you might be wrong here. When my mom was dying, my inclination -- I think it's everyone's natural inclination -- is to stay away. Death is scary! But she was as scared of it as me, and having someone to share her fears with actually brought us closer in her last month or so. I'm glad i pushed through my fear.

    A cerebral infarction is the death of some brain tissue from an ischemic stroke. Depending on where the damage is, and how much of it there is, he may be able to recover a lot of lost function by rewiring his brain. Brains are pretty plastic. Of course there's no guarantee either. But visiting him & letting him try to communicate with you is how it's gonna happen, if it is going to happen.
    Last edited by rcarlberg; 02-01-2020 at 06:07 PM.

  23. #298
    I visit my dad every afternoon. In the past when he was in the hospital I also visited him in the evening, but at this point it's a bit more than I can take.
    Big problem is, my dad is in a way the only person I have. We have a very close relationship, perhaps at points even a bit to close. We live in the same apartmentbuilding and we always had lunch and diner together. In the evening I also visited him, to drink coffee (tea for me), talk a bit, watch some television and read a bit. Besides I gave him his medicine, filled a hot water bottle and put a glas of water near his bed. I cooked for him and helped with doing the laundry. In the past we also went on vacation together and when I had to visit the hospital he mostly went with me. Last year we didn't go on vacation, because my dad had problems with his left eye. I had hoped for a vacation this year, but I really doubt this will happen. We have been through a lot together and my dad always supported me. I also had a very good relationship with my mom, but she has been dead for 18 years and I still tend to miss her at points. My dad can be a bit overcaring and my mother tried to keep him from that.
    I still hope for some improvement with my dad. It seems it can take something like six months to get to the point the situation is stable.

  24. #299
    My wife,grandson and I went to pick up my mother's ashes yesterday. We met with a young woman in an office with a box containing the urn and some paperwork on the desk. The she reads the name from the paperwork, which I thought was odd using her middle name. I said that is her middle name but her first name is this. Then she says a different name that must have been her middle name which sounded like my wife's name. Then I asked how the last name was spelled and it was different than mine but pronounced the same. They were about to give us someone else's ashes. They had to take those ashes back and get the right ones.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  25. #300
    Insect Overlord Progatron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    My wife,grandson and I went to pick up my mother's ashes yesterday. We met with a young woman in an office with a box containing the urn and some paperwork on the desk. The she reads the name from the paperwork, which I thought was odd using her middle name. I said that is her middle name but her first name is this. Then she says a different name that must have been her middle name which sounded like my wife's name. Then I asked how the last name was spelled and it was different than mine but pronounced the same. They were about to give us someone else's ashes. They had to take those ashes back and get the right ones.
    OMG.
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