Thread: The new Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Member Jerjo's Avatar
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    The new Joke Thread

    This got pretty intense on PE2, so it's time to reignite. We've had some bad news today and a little levity might be a good thing. Warning, this will not be safe for those of delicate sensibilities or who hold on to sacred cows. And whoever posted that one about the woman who got 3 roses on her hospital nightstand last time...you know what to do.

    Little Johnny is reading a book and he asks his brother, "what the hell is a fox pass?"

    His brother grabs the books and says, "It's a French term and it's called a faux pas. It mean a 'social blunder'. Nothin' to do with foxes."

    "What do you mean social blunder?"

    "OK. Remember last weekend when the Bishop came to visit. Mom took him out to the garden and he pricked his thumb on a rose thorn. So the old lady takes him to the upstairs bathroom and they're up there forever. Finally we get to eat and just as I'm passed the gravy boat, Mom asks the Bishop if his prick still throbbed. Well, the gravy boat flies out of my hands and it splatters all over everyone. And you, little brother, in your infinite wisdom scream 'HOLY SHIT'. Well, when you said holy shit, that was a faux pas."
    I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'- Bob Newhart

  2. #2
    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe and asks the waitress for coffee without milk.

    "We don't have any milk," the waitress says. "Will you settle for coffee without cream?"
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  3. #3
    My stunning ability to kill a thread is hereby demonstrated....
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  4. #4
    Matt! polmico's Avatar
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    ^ I thought it was a good joke.
    I want to dynamite your mind with love tonight.

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    Member Vic2012's Avatar
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    I thought Sturgeon's joke was funny too. But I laugh at everything. :-)

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    Howdy Dave (in MA)'s Avatar
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    When the Red Sox demoted Alfredo Aceves to AAA and brought up pitcher Stephen Wright, I told my brother, "That won't help. He's afraid of widths".

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    Highly Evolved Orangutan JKL2000's Avatar
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    It's not easy to make up a joke it seems...

    I always wanted to somehow craft a joke around the fact that Marillion is made up of three different words: Mar, Ill, and Ion, but I could never get it to work. Something about a scientist marring an ill ion.
    "Of course you are allowed to trumpet your profound ignorance by disagreeing with me." -- Facelift

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by JKL2000 View Post
    It's not easy to make up a joke it seems...

    I always wanted to somehow craft a joke around the fact that Marillion is made up of three different words: Mar, Ill, and Ion, but I could never get it to work. Something about a scientist marring an ill ion.
    Just listen to the music, that will make you laugh.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

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    Member R_burke's Avatar
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    OK, let's get the party started

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
    Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
    they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
    Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
    pee, so they stopped in the cemetery..

    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
    she would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
    pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
    that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
    proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business they proceeded to
    go home.

    The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
    that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
    bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
    'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. . . My wife came home with no panties!!'

    'That's nothing' said the other husband,
    'Mine came back with a card stuck to her backside that
    Said..

    'From all of us at the Fire Station.
    We'll never forget you.''

  10. #10
    Member wideopenears's Avatar
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    The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here."

    A tachyon walks into a bar.

  11. #11
    Two women go into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test.
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  12. #12
    Studmuffin Scott Bails's Avatar
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    Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
    Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally

  13. #13
    That's Mr. to you, Sir!! Trane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by R_burke View Post
    OK, let's get the party started

    Two women friends ....
    'From all of us at the Fire Station.
    We'll never forget you.''
    That's a copy-paste from the previous joke thread

    Batman, Superman and Spiderman are discussing their latest adventures...

    Superman: hey last night I was flying over NYC and saw Wonderwoman half-naked with her legs wide apart, atop a flatroof building
    Spiderman: so what did you do??
    Superman,: well I opened my spandex, took out my zirkon dick, put on a krypton rubber and dived in
    Batman: and did you make her scream??
    Superman, redfaced: well her, not exactly... However, the Invisible Man howled....
    my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from heroin-addicts to crazy ones

  14. #14
    What's gray and comes in quarts?

  15. #15
    Member Jerjo's Avatar
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    What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

    Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
    I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'- Bob Newhart

  16. #16
    I used to have a job at the zoo circumcising elephants. The pay wasn't good, but the tips were big.

  17. #17
    Studmuffin Scott Bails's Avatar
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    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


    elephino...
    Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally

  18. #18
    Highly Evolved Orangutan JKL2000's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ronmac View Post
    What's gray and comes in quarts?
    Gray Vino?
    "Of course you are allowed to trumpet your profound ignorance by disagreeing with me." -- Facelift

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by JKL2000 View Post
    Gray Vino?
    An elephant. Hence, all the subsequent elephant jokes.

  20. #20
    Highly Evolved Orangutan JKL2000's Avatar
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    But were they NEW elephant jokes?
    "Of course you are allowed to trumpet your profound ignorance by disagreeing with me." -- Facelift

  21. #21
    I'm here for the moosic NogbadTheBad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerjo View Post
    What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

    Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
    That made me giggle for about a minute!!
    Ian

    I blame Wynton, what was the question?
    There are only 10 types of people in the World, those who understand binary and those that don't.

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by NogbadTheBad View Post
    That made me giggle for about a minute!!
    I didn't laugh at all. The giraffe is batting .353 with elephants on base.

  23. #23
    Did you ever try and bunt an elephant over.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  24. #24
    Geriatric Anomaly progeezer's Avatar
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    Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    "My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician, and to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference"

    President Harry S. Truman

  25. #25
    Member zravkapt's Avatar
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    What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
    It got pissed off.

    What has three balls and comes from outer space?
    E.T.: The Extra-Testicle

    Three pregnant women were waiting for an appointment. The first one says, "I'm gonna have a boy cuz I was on the bottom when we did it"; the second woman says, "I'm gonna have a girl cuz I was on top when we did it"; the third woman says, "Oh no! I'm gonna have puppies"

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