Thread: The new Joke Thread

  1. #51
    How many Steeler fans does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They all just sit around in the dark talking about the old one that used to work.
    Last edited by Shadow; 07-19-2013 at 09:19 PM.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sturgeon's Lawyer View Post
    Two robots were sitting in the tub.

    One robot said, "Pass the soap."

    The other robot said, "No soap. Radio."


    * * * * *

    What's the difference between an orange?

    A bicycle, because a vest doesn't have sleeves.
    I don't get it.

  3. #53
    ^^^^ Surrealistic humor.
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  4. #54
    I'm here for the moosic NogbadTheBad's Avatar
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    It made me laugh a lot.
    Ian

    I blame Wynton, what was the question?
    There are only 10 types of people in the World, those who understand binary and those that don't.

  5. #55
    Subterranean Tapir Hobo Chang Ba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NogbadTheBad View Post
    It made me laugh a lot.
    Ditto.
    The desert is not a rose.
    Softly goes the coda.

    Never let good music get in the way of making a profit.

  6. #56
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  7. #57
    Member nosebone's Avatar
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    I'm still laughing
    no tunes, no dynamics, no nosebone

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow View Post
    That made me LOL!!

  9. #59
    Highly Evolved Orangutan JKL2000's Avatar
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    Q: What's big and smells like white wine?

    A: Fish
    "Of course you are allowed to trumpet your profound ignorance by disagreeing with me." -- Facelift

  10. #60
    Connoisseur of stuff. Obscured's Avatar
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    Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
    He was hit by a bus.
    "Henry Cow always wanted to push itself, so sometimes we would write music that we couldn't actually play I found that very encouraging." - Lindsay Cooper, 1998
    "I have nothing to do with Endless River. Phew! This is not rocket science people, get a grip." - Roger Waters, 2014
    "I'm a collector. And I've always just seemed to collect personalities." - David Bowie, 1973

  11. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerjo View Post
    What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

    Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
    Okay this one was A+

  12. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by JKL2000 View Post
    Q: What's big and smells like white wine?

    A: Fish
    ???

  13. #63
    ^^^ I believe that was a reference to the singer of that name...
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  14. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sturgeon's Lawyer View Post
    ^^^ I believe that was a reference to the singer of that name...
    Oh. I love Marillion-related jokes.

  15. #65
    Highly Evolved Orangutan JKL2000's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JIF View Post
    ???
    He drinks a lot of white wine, and he mentions it a lot in his emails to the mailing list. Not a great joke!
    "Of course you are allowed to trumpet your profound ignorance by disagreeing with me." -- Facelift

  16. #66
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    A mongoloid man came home from work one day to his mongoloid wife who had his dinner waiting. She placed a piece of meat on the table in front of him. The mongoloid man asked "Where are the vegetables?" and his mongoloid wife replied, "Oh, they're not home from school yet".

  17. #67
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    isn't mongoloid a racial slur? I don't get it...

  18. #68
    "Mongoloid" is actually a no-longer-politically-correct term for those with Down's Syndrome, as in the Devo song.
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  19. #69
    Member Birdy's Avatar
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    A catholic family of four had invited their priest over for dinner and the conversation at the end turned to "going to heaven". The 7-year old boy asked the priest "Which part of your body arrives in heaven first? I think it's the hands because when we pray, our hands point to heaven". The priest replied "I suppose that's possible". The girl then replied " I think it's the feet" and the priest asked "Why the feet?". The girl said, "Well, a few weeks ago I was hiding in my Mom and Dad's
    closet and when I looked through the keyhole, my Mom had her legs in the air and was screaming "Oh Lord I'm coming!!!"

  20. #70
    Studmuffin Scott Bails's Avatar
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    Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally

  21. #71
    Sister Mary Frances, a Catholic third grade teacher, asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up. There were the usual selection (astronaut, rapper, President, fireman, etc.) and then little Suzy in the back row said, "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."

    Sister Mary Frances, aghast, asked her to repeat herself. She did.

    "Young lady," she said, "you are going to see Father."

    Sister Mary Frances immediately took little Suzy down the hall, and seated her outside Father Derkins's office while she went inside. A few minutes later, she came out and pointed inside.

    Suzy went in, her head heavy on her shoulders, and Father said, "Suzy, what did you tell Sister Frances."

    "I told her I wanted to be a prostitute when I grow up."

    Father looked relieved. "Oh, Suzy, Sister Frances is hard of hearing. She thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant when you grow up."
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  22. #72
    That's Mr. to you, Sir!! Trane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sturgeon's Lawyer View Post
    "Mongoloid" is actually a no-longer-politically-correct term for those with Down's Syndrome, as in the Devo song.
    trisomic 21
    my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from heroin-addicts to crazy ones

  23. #73
    A priest is walking downtown on a quite Friday night. A prostitute walks up to him and mutters, "Blow job, 25 bucks." The priest, being of pure mind, had no idea what she was talking about, shrugged and moved on. A few minutes later, another prostitute walks up to him and mutters, "Blow Job, 25 bucks." Once again, the priest is confused, shrugs and walks away.

    Later that evening, back at the church, the priest approaches the mother superior and states that he has a problem. He tells his story about women approaching him and muttering the same thing. But he confesses that he was puzzled and simply walked away. "Sister," he asks, "what is a blow job?" The sister replies, "25 bucks, just like downtown."

  24. #74
    Quote Originally Posted by Obscured View Post
    Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
    He was hit by a bus.
    LOL! My favorite one so far...

  25. #75
    We're obviously struggling here, so I'll fire up a Newfie joke (Newfoundlander jokes were once big in Canada - I have no idea if they still are)

    It was a Saturday night and Bessy was sitting in the living room on the couch watching TV with her new boyfriend "Jarge" (George). Bessy's parents, Ma and Pa were in the kitchen talking and trying to stay out of Bessys date night, so as not spoil it because Jarge was rather a handsome feller. All was going well, until Pa got a popcorn kernel stuck in each ear and couldn't get them out. So Ma charges into the living room in a panic.. "Bessy! Come quick! Yer Pa's got popcorn kernels stuck in his ears again!! What'll we do?" Bessy starts to cry because last time her Pa had to go to the hospital to have them removed and was almost institutionalized. Jarge suddenly speaks up and says "Calm down! Calm down! I know's how ta git them Kernels out without no doctor!" With all the confidence in the world he walks into the Kitchen, followed by Ma and Bessy. He holds up Pa's head and rams his two fingers up Pa's nose, puts his other hand over Pa's mouth and says "Blow hard now!" and the Pa does, and out pops the popcorn kernels and they fall harmlessly to the floor.. Jarge and Bessy go back to their date on the couch, leaving in impressed Ma and Pa back in the kitchen. After a while Ma says to Pa - "That Jarge sure is smart! - Why, he ought to be President..." And Pa replies:

    "From the smell on his fingers he ought to be our son in law!"
    I got nothin'

    ...avoiding any implication that I have ever entertained a cognizant thought.

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