Thread: The new Joke Thread

  1. #26
    Matt! polmico's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by progeezer View Post
    Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    John Smoltz is a funny man.
    I want to dynamite your mind with love tonight.

  2. #27
    That's Mr. to you, Sir!! Trane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ronmac View Post
    I didn't laugh at all. The giraffe is batting .353 with elephants on base.
    Now I got it.... I hadn't realized it was baseball humour... guess I'v been back in the old world too long

    Quote Originally Posted by progeezer View Post
    Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    good one
    my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from heroin-addicts to crazy ones

  3. #28
    Studmuffin Scott Bails's Avatar
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    Hopefully this link will work. I don't think I can post the picture.

    Not a joke, but pretty funny.
    Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally

  4. #29
    Geriatric Anomaly progeezer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by polmico View Post
    John Smoltz is a funny man.
    Yes he is.
    "My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician, and to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference"

    President Harry S. Truman

  5. #30
    Boo! walt's Avatar
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    What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

    A flat minor.
    "please do not understand me too quickly"-andre gide

  6. #31
    Member wideopenears's Avatar
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    Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

  7. #32
    Most of my jokes are in poor taste. So, it's a bit of a struggle finding something worth sharing.

  8. #33
    The nice thing about solipsism is that you don't have to defend your viewpoint from anyone.
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

  9. #34
    I'm here for the moosic NogbadTheBad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sturgeon's Lawyer View Post
    The nice thing about solipsism is that you don't have to defend your viewpoint from anyone.
    Ok I had to look it up to make sure I was getting the joke.
    Ian

    I blame Wynton, what was the question?
    There are only 10 types of people in the World, those who understand binary and those that don't.

  10. #35
    Oldie but goodie:

    Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?

    To keep his ankles warm.

  11. #36
    Member Vic2012's Avatar
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    Laughing at Walts joke.

  12. #37
    Connoisseur of stuff. Obscured's Avatar
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    Not a joke per se, but I haven't stopped laughing after hearing the "names" of the airline pilots responsible for bringing down Asiana Airs flight in Frisco last week. Or at least the "names" that were "confirmed" and reported on Fox News affiliate KTVU-
    Captain Sum Ting Wong
    Wi Tu Lo
    Ho Lee Fuk
    Bang Ding Ow


    Yes, yes, I know it was a horrible tragedy...etc. etc.
    "Henry Cow always wanted to push itself, so sometimes we would write music that we couldn't actually play I found that very encouraging." - Lindsay Cooper, 1998
    "I have nothing to do with Endless River. Phew! This is not rocket science people, get a grip." - Roger Waters, 2014
    "I'm a collector. And I've always just seemed to collect personalities." - David Bowie, 1973

  13. #38
    Studmuffin Scott Bails's Avatar
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    The joke is that that actually made it to air.

    How many people came in contact with that, and it still was broadcast?
    Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally

  14. #39
    That's Mr. to you, Sir!! Trane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Obscured View Post
    Not a joke per se, but I haven't stopped laughing after hearing the "names" of the airline pilots responsible for bringing down Asiana Airs flight in Frisco last week. Or at least the "names" that were "confirmed" and reported on Fox News affiliate KTVU-
    Captain Sum Ting Wong
    Wi Tu Lo
    Ho Lee Fuk
    Bang Ding Ow]

    Yes, yes, I know it was a horrible tragedy...etc. etc.


    I remember a N News footage interviewing a guy, whose name was obviously not caught by the censors: Mike Litoris
    my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from heroin-addicts to crazy ones

  15. #40
    Member nosebone's Avatar
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    My grandmother started walking for exercise at age sixty.

    It's been four years and we still don't know where the hell she is!
    Last edited by nosebone; 07-15-2013 at 11:35 AM.
    no tunes, no dynamics, no nosebone

  16. #41
    Member Vic2012's Avatar
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    Captain Sum Ting Wong
    Wi Tu Lo
    Ho Lee Fuk
    Bang Ding Ow


    Ya gotta be kiddin.'


  17. #42
    Member Jerjo's Avatar
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    When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa did. Not screaming and crying like the people that were in the car he was driving.
    I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'- Bob Newhart

  18. #43
    Member Lou's Avatar
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    Why don't women fart?

    They never keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.


    *ducks*

  19. #44
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    Why can't young girls go #2? Because you don't get an asshole until you get a boyfriend.

  20. #45
    Howdy Dave (in MA)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jerjo View Post
    When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa did. Not screaming and crying like the people that were in the car he was driving.
    I first saw this in rec.music.progressive as " I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers." by usenetter Jim Harkins.

  21. #46
    That's Mr. to you, Sir!! Trane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vic2012 View Post


    Ya gotta be kiddin.'

    These are old jokes (we would make them up in high school)

    book and authors:
    Rusty Bed Springs... by I P Nightly
    China Overpopulated .... by We Fukemyong
    White Spots on The Wall .... by ivan Yurkinof
    Etc....

    I wouldn't be surprised if this joke perpetrator graduated from Clakson SS
    my music collection increased tenfolds when I switched from heroin-addicts to crazy ones

  22. #47
    Not a joke, just something from someone we all know:

    BILL HAS GONE AND DONE IT AGAIN...

    They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
    I can't even talk the way these people talk:
    Why you ain't,
    Where you is,
    What he drive,
    Where he stay,
    Where he work,
    Who you be...
    And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
    And then I heard the father talk.
    Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
    In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

    People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
    The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
    These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
    $500 sneakers for what?
    And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

    I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
    Where were you when he was 2?
    Where were you when he was 12?
    Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?
    And where is the father? Or who is his father?
    People putting their clothes on backward:
    Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
    People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

    Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
    What part of Africa did this come from??
    We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....

    I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.
    I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !
    With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.

    Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
    We have got to take the neighborhood back.
    People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
    We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
    We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
    Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
    We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..
    We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

    ~Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.
    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS!

  23. #48
    How did they prove that Princess Diana had dandruff?
    They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment....

  24. #49
    Oh, let's not got here. I might have to unleash a few.

  25. #50
    Two robots were sitting in the tub.

    One robot said, "Pass the soap."

    The other robot said, "No soap. Radio."


    * * * * *

    What's the difference between an orange?

    A bicycle, because a vest doesn't have sleeves.
    Do not bug a wombat, 'cause wombats bug back,
    and no-one can live through a wombat attack.

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