Would you let your spouse be friends with the person he/she slept with while the two are married? Just wondering what the consensus is out there.
I say
Would you let your spouse be friends with the person he/she slept with while the two are married? Just wondering what the consensus is out there.
I say
I can forgive just about anything except infidelity
They could be friends, because we wouldn't be married once I found out
BG
"When Yes appeared on stage, it was like, the gods appearing from the heavens, deigning to play in front of the people."
Well, I would seriously question her judgement. It would be less about "letting her" do it and more about "if we're going to stay married we better get some serious counselling because the fact that you'd even ask me that is f**ked up."
Which "two"? Are you asking if I'd let my wife be friends with her ex-boyfriend? Or if I'd let her be friends with her ex-husband? Or both?Originally Posted by logicmandoo
Would you let your spouse be friends with the person he/she slept with while the two are married? Just wondering what the consensus is out there.
I say
My wife doesn't have an ex-husband, but does have a couple of ex-boyfriends. She's friends with at least 2 guys on Facebook that she dated at one time during college. I'm also friends with a couple of old girlfriends from high school. She will NOT let me be friends with my ex-wife. That's fine, I don't really want or need to be in communication with her. On the other hand, when we do run into her it doesn't need to be weird...but on the rare occasions where we do see her it is weird because I know my wife is watching my every move, listening to my every word and the whole situation will be discussed for the next 4 or 5 months whether anything I did or said warranted it, lol.
My wife is actually godmother to the daughter of her ex-boyfriend. We still aren't sure if his wife is aware that he and my wife used to date. They live several hours drive away from us, and I truly believe that she has no interest in him, so...I'm not worried. She's not with any of those guys for good reason.
Now if I thought she was unhappy with me that would change things. And I'm not really sure if I'd be jealous if the ex-boyfriend lived in the same town, worked with her or whatever - it's not something I've had to deal with. Should I be less worried about all the guys she never dated, but are obviously showing interest? I don't get worried about them either. But we're together most of the time. We ride to and from work together, hang out together most evenings, etc.
Last edited by Plasmatopia; 11-04-2014 at 01:36 PM.
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My spouse isn't friends with people on the basis of me "letting" her, and I expect the exact same amount of leeway in return - I'll be friends with whatever women I damn well please, I'll neither ask for nor consider her opinion of it. Likewise, if she wants to be friends with people she used to boink (and she is, with at least three people) I've got no problem with it. Now, if she starts telling those people rambling, 20-minute stories about her day, repeatedly berates them for their stupidity or wakes them up in the night to kill an insect... then I'll know we've got a problem!
I think he's referring to a spouse being friends with the other person he/she cheated with after having been caught.
And my answer would be "oh hell no"
I don't "let" my girlfriend do anything - she does what she wants. She's an adult, and so am I.
If the OP is talking about a cheating situation, if your significant other still wants to be friendly with the person they cheated with, well, the message is pretty clear, isn't it?
Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally
Oh....
I can't imagine I'd let a situation get to that point. I think cheating can be excused/forgiven, under certain circumstances, but I think it would be implicit about staying together that the third party is going to be out of the picture. If it's not, then I would question whether staying together is really desired by the other person.
As tough as it might be for the OP to face this if my assumption is correct, this ^
BG
"When Yes appeared on stage, it was like, the gods appearing from the heavens, deigning to play in front of the people."
If it's a cheating situation, NO.
If it's an old boyfriend/girlfriend, I have no problem with that. I am still good friends with one of my old girlfriends, and I've been happily married for 20 years. My wife even likes her and the two of them shared a ride once. Honestly though, there is nothing there romantic anymore with my old girlfriend, I have less than zero interest. Besides, she's now too old for me!
past boyfriends she slept with before we met - no problem
boyfriends she slept with while we were married - we probably won't continue to be married
About 2 years into my marriage I had a bad dream one night. I dreampt that I caught my wife sleeping with someone else. I felt my heart break in my dream, and I woke up with this feeling of ultimate betrayal. That feeling stuck with me for quite some time, and this was just a dream. I never want to have to feel that - EVER - in real life.
I think everyone who is married should have that same dream and see how they feel when they wake up. If you feel that way about your partner's indiscretion then you will never, ever be able to do that back to them should the occasion arise.
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A gentleman is defined as someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't.
if it's a former girlfriend or ex-wife, I have no beef. I can't erase everything and everyone in their lives before they met me and certainly I do not want him trying to do the same to me.
If he's cheating, then she can have him. I'm out.
"Alienated-so alien I go!"
Oh, that's a different question entirely. Obviously if they cheated on you once with someone they shouldn't be spending any more time with that person. Then again, I wouldn't be spending any time with her at that point either.
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For more on this, see the solo work of Phil Collins.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'- Bob Newhart
Details, Martin, details!
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Bow chika wow wow
Music isn't about chops, or even about talent - it's about sound and the way that sound communicates to people. Mike Keneally
They could be friends because I'd be gone.
"The woods would be very silent if the only birds that sang were those who sang best..." - Henry David Thoreau
my wife has NO desire to have any contact with her ex-husband or the HS boyfriend she was engaged to. both were abusive to her. likewise for me. and none of those gentlemen or ladies live anywhere near our location. interesting idea for a thread
Like other respondents, I am bothered by the use of the word "let" - the implication being that one person has some kind of ownership of the other. If she is friends with someone, that's the situation you deal with.
Would I be happy about it? That's another matter entirely.
I wasn't in the car! So who knows what went on...Details, Martin, details!But, I do know they talked about me, compared notes.
Because her mother always got her father's "blessing" before doing anything, sometimes I have to remind my wife that she can do whatever she wants and does not need to ask me for permission. all I ask is to be informed.
"A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is"
No.
this thread is growing almost as fast at the Stoner thread did at first.
so, are you saying they also abusive to you? Or by likewise you mean you are also abusive to her?
Must be a generational thing, but to me (twice divorced and now happily unmarried to Kay), this is much ado about almost nothing.
My deceased soulmate Karen and I started our relationship in 1991 based on purely lust for each other. We were co-workers. She was single & never married, but very heterosexually active her whole life, and I was married to someone who became "born again" in 1984, which made her nothing like the woman I married in 1974. I stayed there for the sake of my then small children for a long time after I knew I couldn't do it forever.
Then, over time, my relationship with Karen became waaaay more than just lust for both of us. From 1991 until 2003, when I was divorced, we maintained a clandestine LOVE (no longer just lust) affair, even being able to take several trips together. In January, 2003, our relationship came out of the closet, and a little over a year later I lost her to cancer.
Why am I spewing all this shit out here? Just for context.
One of Karen's favorite things to say was, "there's an enormous difference between love and friction".
I must have ok people skills, because my ex-wife was friends with Karen (both during the time she was unaware AND after it all came out). My ex is now friends with Kay as well.
She's getting a little better at not evangelizing as time goes by.
I fully realize that I'm an old hippie child/musician from the 60s, and most of you might think of my post as reprehensible, but there are innumerable marriages that work better in an open relationship than a monogamous one, and every study done on the subject shows that if your marriage is solid, exploring openness will strengthen it even more.
Just a different perspective. YMMV here is an understatement.
Last edited by progeezer; 11-04-2014 at 07:00 PM.
"My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician, and to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference"
President Harry S. Truman
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